This Time, I Said It

They make me mad, they make me disappointed,
I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to play that game,
I know I can't lower my standards, I can't sink to their level,
But there's still something wrong, I just don't feel right.
I show to be strong, I appear to be of joy,
But I can't lie to those who surround me,
I would break the standards that I make,
My life is of irony, my words are of sarcasm,
I try to not disappoint, but does that make me fake?
I say goodbye, for I cannot ride along
With this silly roller coaster that people take.
But again I say, my life is of irony,
It was a goodbye, but it hurts,
The feeling won't detach from its host,
This feeling I brought to myself, because this time I said it.

Tired and Trapped

She's tired of the let downs,
She's tired of the disappointments,
Weary of the life she lives,
Weary of the everlasting toil.
She wants to give up,
She wants to break apart,
But something inside her tells her to keep going,
Something tells her to push forward.
She doesn't know why she keeps going,
She doesn't know why she doesn't stop,
She's lonely and afraid,
She's compressed and trapped.
She's screaming on the inside,
She's crying when no eyes lay upon her,
It's a never-ending question,
It's a sword to the throat.

A Splash on the Taste Buds

A light wind flows making her long, blond hair fly,
Her skin is kissed perfectly by the golden sun,
Sounds of laughter, sounds of water falling into a sky blue pool,
Driving on a country road, windows down, radio loud, not knowing where she's going,
A morning run, with just a hint of breezy air,
A time to take chances, not knowing what may lie ahead,
A romantic somebody, or just the best of pals,
Meeting new people, or just those people who are always around,
A deep breath in, a relaxing breath out,
Summer's in, school's out!

Summer 2009.

An Unheard Scream

She remembers her past, she goes back into the feelings,
She remembers sorrows of others, she remembers her own,
Why is it that she always remembers the feelings of dissatisfaction?
She wants to change people, she wants to grow herself.
She wonders if things are truly different, that its not the same.
She screams inside, she hides too many feelings in a small glass.
The glass always breaks, it is painful, it pierces her.
She's an unheard voice, though she is screaming with thoughts.
She wants something to get to someone fully, but they never truly understand.
She beats herself, for she just wants people to see what she sees,
View what she views, Feel what she feels, Think what she thinks.
But for now she is just an unheard scream,
A scream that is beating on the bars longing to get out of a trapped place.

Taking a Moment

She's driving home from another long and tiring day,
She feels as if something sparks everything around her,
As if everything just stopped,
She turns down the radio and speaks in a normal, but timid voice, "Hi, God."
She talks to him, tells Him about her day,
She prays for others who she knows are in pain,
She prays for what lies ahead, that it won't fall apart.
She tells her that she loves Him, and that she wants to love Him more,
She's a little girl that can't resist but to be attached to her Father,
She knows that theres a love that she can have for Him,
that is greater than any other love,
She talks to Him, She gives Him compliments,
Just for a little while, so she can spend time talking with her Daddy.

The Fear I've Come to Know Most

Head is spinning, i am aching, soul is tired, i am torn.
My greatest fear seems to haunt me, over and over again.
I hate this feeling, i wish i never met this feeling,
The crushing of my heart.
I can't avoid it, can't ignore it, and it continues to come alive.
The fear i try to run away from, the fear that continues to visit me.
I'm tired of it, I'm sick of it.
I just don't want to say good-bye once again.

Misunderstanding

She reaches out to those she sees in need,
She puts her heart onto those who need a friend,
She becomes attached to them, they become her brothers and sisters,
But they think she wants something more than just a friend can offer.

Why can't they understand that she just doesn't want that?
Why can't they understand that she just needs people to rely on?
The moment she thinks they can actually stay in her life, they run away.
When will they actually stay? When will they not leave?

A Moment of Clarity

Clarity. It makes everything clear. Nothing is questioned, all is answered.
And just at this moment, everything stops, all is quite, all is clear,
No worries, no hesitations, nothing stopping me,
I see what to do, I know what to think, I know how to feel,
I don't think for a second to look back, I don't think to frown,
I stand up, and smile, for it is clear what is next,
I smile for it is a moment of clarity.

Falling Below

She falls below the standards people set. She doesn't understand why people can't accept one's inner self. She wishes they weren't so judgmental. She wishes they weren't so rude. She tries to rise above the social standards that people create, But she finds herself sinking lower than before. She doesn't mold herself into something she is not. But she hates when people discard her for being the person she is. She wants people to except others for the person they are, not attacking their permanent mold. She doesn't understand, she doesn't know how to change, into a mold that she's not. She doesn't want to change her shape, nor will she ever.

She stands for who she is. Isn't that all that matters?

Sound Waves

Let the waves flow, flow through my ears.
Let the sound play, play through my head.
Let the words speak, speak for my unspoken words.
Let the music run, run out my unheard screams.

I live through music, or does music live in me?
I let it speak for me, I let things out through it.
It gives me feelings, it brings back feelings.

The waves of music flow deeper than just ears.
They ride on the rims of my beating heart,
They soar through the tunnels of my veins.

It's unexplainable, uncontrollable.
But the music is so much more than what we hear.

Seeking Love

She runs away from the fatal image of being alone.
She's aware she has friends, she knows she is loved.
She doesn't need anybody to carry her.
She's independent, she's happy for who she is.

But sometimes when she's all alone, no movement, no one there,
Deep in thoughts, the music is playing, everything is still,
She feels the desire of knowing she can hold together the times she's alone,
But she doesnt want to think, for it only hurts her.

She wants to love, but doesnt expect love back,
She wants to have something to look forward to, get ready for, wait for, love for.
She wants to know what it feels like to love.
She wants to so desperately to love.

Past to Future

She lives in her past,
She doesn't want things of the past hold her back,
She just wants it to motivate her while she presses forward toward the future.

She looks back at the things she had,
She works to get those things back,
But she is never sure if they are worth it.

She's motivated, but sometimes doubtful,
She's held back, but forces her way ahead,
She wants the things she once had, but doesn't know if she should.

3 Years

Three years ago, I was an eight-grader, moving from my home, California, to an unknown land, Texas. I was scared, I was sad, I was insecure, I was a mess. I had moved to a place I did not know. It was like a foreign land, a different culture, a different world. Three years ago, I was caught up in my past, not letting it go to discover what lie ahead of me.
For months, I cried in my bed at night. I didnt let people in. I was constantly thinking of my home. I didnt let it go. I closed myself in.
I look back, and I have made life. I have made awesome friends. I have grown and matured so much. I have found out more about myself. I have two amazing jobs. I have settled into a wonderful life that I am happy to have and grateful to have.
Texas is surely different and something else in itself. The weather is crazy, the people are weird, but I think thats why I am here. I fit right in. I didnt know why God wanted me here at first, but now its clear. I am so grateful for all that He has blessed me with and will never take that for granted.

The American Dream

We all chase after our future, trying to find the pursuit of hapiness.
We all get dragged by our past, letting it change everything in our path ahead.
We all look for something to make things better, a change, and difference.
But the current goes against the boat, against our will.
But we head straight on forward, to our goals, to our wants.

I look at the people around me, I look at myself,
I see some with success, some with fortune,
I see some with loss, some with burdens.
I see them trying with every last breath to make a future, but I see what they thought was left behind creep in.
I look at the end, the conclusion of their future,
I don't see happiness.

I've come to realization beyond what has been before,
It's not about pursuing happiness or trying to earn fortune or success.
It's about finding joy, a happiness that lasts, a satisfaction that won't end.
It's about trying to do one's best, but not going beyond what one is capable of or handling.
It's about touching others, making use of something.

We all have a dream.
We all have an image in our heads of how things should be.
But I don't think it's about that picture we paint.
I believe it's how we live through things, how we act upon things, that creates and molds what it looks like in the end.
I believe it's about the foundation we stand upon that determines if our future will shatter or stand.

So don't chase after the satisfaction or the happiness.
Don't chase after the things that may look like they will give you happiness.
Chase after what will last.
Chase after meaning, not of things that were sparked from the past.

Here's To You.

For all the clueless, be more aware of who cares about you, you might end up having some great friends.
For all the lazy, answer your phones for once, you might end up having some fun, if you just answer it.
For all the angry, stop being so mad, you're only pushing away the people that care for you.
For all the depressed, stop being so mopey, nobody likes being around you when you're like that.
For all the oblivious, look around you, people want to be your friend and to care about you.
For all the self-centured, no one thinks you're as great as what you think you are, so maybe do some selfless acts every once in a while.
For all the over-doers, self explanatory, don't over-do it, it only hurts you and confuses others.

So here's to all the people who push away the ones the are loved by, way to go.

And They Leave

She says goodbye too many times,
It's never easy, it's never simple,
They always leave a piece of them in her heart,
She's faithful, but unknown,
It breaks her, it tears her apart,
It creates fear of others leaving,
Because she knows soon, they will leave too.

Living Up to Our Standards

We are always quick to judge, always quick to set standards for others,
but when things happen to us, do we live up to our standards?
Do we rise above the things that try to put us down?

The hardest thing is to find something positive about something that appears to be bad or is bad.
But we need to act upon something and not let something push us down.
We need to find a way to make something better, rather than let it get to us.

It's hard to distinguish between not caring what others think, and being rude to everyone because it just doesnt matter.
It matters. We need to place ourselves in others shoes.
But we can't let other peoples thoughts get to us.

We need to live up to our own standards,
but as humbled, selfless people.
We need to not look down on others, but encourage others.
We need to not give up on things, then we hit a wall.
We need to find another way around it,
Because if we don't how can life take us anywhere at all?